Funny Quotes

QUOTE WEEKLY® 1 likes
“Looks like Kelsey wins the award for early riser. And doesn’t she look purtier than a pat of butter meltin’ all over a stack of griddle cakes?” ― Colleen Houck
QUOTE WEEKLY® 2 likes
“I don’t want unnecessary violence, sergeant,” said Blouse. “Right you are, sir!” said the sergeant. “Carborundum! First man comes through that door runnin’, I want him nailed to the wall!” He caught the lieutenant’s eye, and added: “But not too hard!” ― Terry Pratchett, Monstrous Regiment
QUOTE WEEKLY® 0 likes
“[Calvin, who has the chicken pox, calls Susie on the telephone.] Susie: Hello? Calvin: Hi, Susie! It’s me, Calvin! I was wondering if you’d like to come over and play. Susie: Why, sure! Boy, I don’t think you’ve ever invited me to… Calvin’s Mom: Calvin, what are you doing? Calvin: Nothing, Mom. Go away. Calvin’s Mom: You’re contagious! You can’t have anyone over to play! Calvin: Shhhh! Shhhh! You’ll spoil the whole thing! I was going to trick Susie into catching… HEY! OW! LET GO! Susie: [Hanging up the phone] Any chance of getting transferred, Dad?” ― Bill Watterson
QUOTE WEEKLY® 1 likes
“My Zombie apocalypse plan is simple but effective; I fully intend to die in the very first wave. Seems more logical than undergoing all kinds of hardships only to die eventually anyway (through bites/malnutrition/or terminally chapped lips)” ― Graham Parke
QUOTE WEEKLY® 0 likes
“Oh, for Christ’s sake,’ I hear. ‘Can we please just try to have a good time?’ This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn’t work. I’ve tried it.” ― David Sedaris, When You Are Engulfed in Flames
QUOTE WEEKLY® 0 likes
“Roar’s smile widened. “I know. You missed me.” She rolled her eyes. “It’s barely been three weeks since I last saw you.” “Miserable stretch of time.” He said.” ― Veronica Rossi, Through the Ever Night
QUOTE WEEKLY® 0 likes
“Well, speaking as a feminist, I’m glad that women can lead–uh, groups of unspeakable magical evil.” “Yes,” Alan said gravely. “It’d be shoking if the evil magicians were sexist. For one thing, that would mean they were stupid, and having stupid enemies would be a terrible blow to my manly pride.” ― Sarah Rees Brennan, The Demon’s Covenant
QUOTE WEEKLY® 0 likes
“No, Lucius is harmless,’ I fibbed. If you don’t count the fact that he thinks he’s a warrior prince representing a semi-cannibalistic race of undead bat people.” ― Beth Fantaskey, Jessica’s Guide to Dating on the Dark Side
QUOTE WEEKLY® 1 likes
“Why is it no one sent me yet one perfect limousine, do you suppose? Ah no, it’s always just my luck to get one perfect rose.” ― Dorothy Parker
QUOTE WEEKLY® 0 likes
“Whatever you do, in the privacy of your own rain shower, is your own business” ― Gregory David Roberts, Shantaram
QUOTE WEEKLY® 0 likes
“Also, I think I felt something come loose back there. I’m not trying to overreact or anything but I think it was my uterus. Honest. I think my uterus jiggled free. My uterus is just going to come out between my legs and I’m going to look like I’m walking around with an enormous load in my pants.” ― Meg Cabot, Big Boned
QUOTE WEEKLY® 0 likes
“If not for me being stoned and clinging to a taco, it would have been terribly romantic.” ― Richelle Mead, Succubus on Top
QUOTE WEEKLY® 0 likes
“Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess.” ― Bill Watterson, The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury
QUOTE WEEKLY® 0 likes
“It often happens that we blurt out things that may in some kind of way be harmful to us, but we are silent about things that may make us look ridiculous; because in this case effect follows very quickly on cause.” ― Arthur Schopenhauer
QUOTE WEEKLY® 0 likes
“The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.” ― Murphy’s Law
QUOTE WEEKLY® 0 likes
“When danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled.” ― Graham Chapman, Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Book): Mønti Pythøn Ik Den Hølie Gräilen
QUOTE WEEKLY® 0 likes
“People often think I’m a faker, but I’m usually honest, in a certain way–in such a way that often nobody believes me!” ― Richard Feynman
QUOTE WEEKLY® 0 likes
“Of all the idiots I have met in my life, and the Lord knows they have not been few or little, I think that I have been the biggest.” ― Isak Dinesen
QUOTE WEEKLY® 1 likes
“It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.” ― Groucho Marx
QUOTE WEEKLY® 0 likes
“One can never have enough socks” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone